A vow to remain strong
by ILoveDownton
Summary: MAJOR SERIES SIX SPOILERS after the events of the dinner Cora waits in the hospital and tries to remain strong
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- MAJOR SERIES 6 SPOILERS**

She sat staring at the wall ahead, not trusting herself to look anywhere else. If she did she wouldn't be able to remain calm. If she looked up and saw the hospital waiting room she wouldn't be able to hold it together, so instead she sat, wringing her hands, with unshed tears staining her vision. Edith was beside her, holding onto her arm for support, either for herself or her mother, either way it was a comfort. But she could feel herself falling apart, the realisation of what had happened dawning on her once more.

She knew the memory of Robert's blood would forever be in her mind. His shirt, the table cloth, drenched in crimson and her husband crippling over in pain were images that she would never forget. It had taken her a few seconds to comprehend what was happening, it wasn't until she felt his blood on her that she jumped from the table, rushing past Mary and the others, trying to get to his side as fast as she could. " _His ulcer has burst."_ Oh god, she'd thought, pushing past Isobel to reach him.

She had dropped to her knees, grasping the cloth the doctor had given her. He had given her a cautious look, but she didn't care how much blood there would be, how distressing it may be, her husband needed her, and she needed to be there for him. Her arm was already stained red as she held the cloth to his mouth. Her heart was beating in her chest, with worry, fear and dread. But she couldn't focus on her; she had to let him know she was there. " _I'm here darling, don't worry."_

Robert rolled in her arms, searching for her eyes. Amongst the blood and the pain, he had needed her. _"If this is it, just know I have loved you very, very much."_ His eyes searched for hers, trying to gain some assurance that she knew, that she knew he loved her, that she loved him. Amongst all the pain, he had needed her to know. And she did, she always knew. But this couldn't be _it_. It couldn't be- she wouldn't let it.

" _This isn't it darling."_ She'd whispered, pressing the cloth to his mouth. " _W-we won't let this be it."_ She'd stammered, trying to assure herself as well as her husband. She couldn't even begin to comprehend it being _it_. And she wanted to believe that everything would be ok, she had to believe it so she could stay strong, for both of them.

When the ambulance was almost there Dr. Clarkson had tried to usher her out, told her to get herself cleaned up, but she couldn't. The girls had gone first, she'd told them to go, but she couldn't bring herself to leave him, fearing what would happen when she came back. But she'd had to go to get her coat, to retain some form of composure so she could return to his side and be strong. She'd kissed him, urgently on the temple, and he'd murmured something in response, just as another bought of blood escaped his lips. And stifling a cry she left, wiping her eyes with her wrists so she wouldn't be smeared with his blood.

Carson or one of the footmen had given her a cloth; she was too flustered to notice which. She wiped the blood of her hands till they were at least dry, and after pulling on her gloves she'd gone to the ambulance. She knew she'd spoke to Mr. Chamberlain, and then Mama, but it was all a blur. She couldn't remember any of it. It had been a blur since she'd seen Robert coming from the dining room on a stretcher, drowned in his own blood.

He'd gone into surgery the minute they'd brought him in, but she had seen him once more, fresh blood around his mouth. She couldn't be sure but she thought she'd seen him look at her as he was carried down the corridor, and she'd smiled, the most reassuring smile she could give, a smile of faith and hope. But the minute he'd turned around the corner, her body had shook with tears, her shaking hands catching them as they fell. If Mary hadn't caught her she would have crippled over, collapsed on the hospital floor.

And she could feel herself breaking apart again. A nurse had guided them into the waiting room, and she'd felt like she'd waited for hours, no news, no good news. But no bad news she reminded herself. As she wrung her hands once more she felt the dry blood clinging to her fingers and her nails. She should have washed them, she should have scrubbed until they were raw, but she couldn't leave the waiting room, not in case there was news. And she couldn't bring herself to wash it off, it was him, and a part of her couldn't get rid of that, in case it was her last part of him.

"Lady Grantham?" A voice spoke, breaking her haunted thoughts that had filled her silence.

"Yes." She jumped, forgetting Edith who had to pull her hand away abruptly.

"Lord Grantham is out of surgery." Dr Clarkson announced, wiping his hand across his forehead, it had been an unexpectedly long night. "It was a success, he's resting now." _Success_. She felt a sigh escape her body. Success, it was good news, and he was the best possible place now.

"And his chances?" Edith whispered.

"I cannot give a definitive answer, but because we did the operation as soon as we were able, his chances look good." She heard her daughters exhale of breathe and a pressure on her wrist, she hadn't realised that Mary had grasped hold of her.

"Thank you." Edith said, moving to stand beside Cora, who was wiping stray tears from her eyes. Tears of pain, and still fear, but also of relief. Her Robert would be alright. They would have more time together, precious time.

As the doctor took his leave she turned to her daughters, taking each of their hands. "You should go home, ring your grandmother, and get some rest." She sniffed, midway through the tears, but a weight had lifted from her chest, and she'd never been more thankful.

"Are you coming too?" Edith asked.

"No, I'm going to stay here. I don't want your father to be alone."

"We'll come back in the morning." She nodded in reply, and she kissed them goodbye as they moved to get their coats and went out to the car.

She felt like a cloud had cleared, a cloud of unknowing and fear had been filled with hope. It had scared her, had terrified every part of her. As she'd waited in the hospital rooms every part of her had remembered his presence; the last touch he had given her, the last place he had kissed her. And she'd tried to focus her thoughts on the last good moments they'd shared, in case they had been _the last_. But they weren't going to be. And she made a silent vow that she would never feel such fear again.

"Lady Grantham?" Looking up she saw a nurse, who had a look of her Sybil, and strangely she felt as if it were a sign her Sybil was looking down on them and wanted to give her support. It was silly she knew. "Lord Grantham is resting in a private room, would you like to sit in with him?"

"Yes." She answered, standing, before the nurse had chance to finish. "Yes please."

The nurse smiled, and after Cora had collected her coat she guided her to a room at the far end of the corridor. The door was ajar open for her, and from where she stood she could see his bed. All she wanted was to go to him. To comfort him. She knew she looked a mess, looking down her dress was dishevelled, and stained red. Her hands were still bloodied, and her hair was falling apart. And she knew without looking she looked tired and drained. But she didn't care, and neither would he. But as she came to the doorway, she paused. A sudden fear of reluctance coming over her, she knew if she saw him, exhausted and pale it would emphasise the extent to how ill he had grown. Her husband, normally so strong and define, looking frail it would fully bring home what had happened; that it wasn't s bloody episode to be forgotten. But as she edged forwards she knew she had to be strong. Moments ago she had promised she'd never feel such fear, and again she made a vow that she wouldn't allow her husband to grow so ill again. She would take care of him, she would change, and she would make him rest. And no matter what she saw when she walked through the door, she vowed that she wouldn't see it again.


	2. Chapter 2

When Cora stepped into the private hospital room her eyes immediately fell on her husband, lying in the hospital bed, covers tucked neatly around him. His breathing was heavy, and pained, but there was still the melodic hum he always had when he was sleeping. He was still her Robert; he still had the greying hair and the thickening waistline with his broad shoulders. But he was too pale, his skin paper thin- almost translucent. For the first time in his life, he looked weak.

There was a chair by the right side of his bed and Cora walked straight towards it. "There'll be a nurse in later to complete some routine checks Lady Grantham." The nurse said from behind her. "You're welcome to stay in here as long as you wish, and there'll be nurses on the ward if there's a problem."

Cora just nodded, and turning her head briefly she murmured a quiet "thank you." She waited for the nurse to leave and close the door behind her before she fell into the seats comfort, grasping Roberts hand in the process. She stroked his knuckles, like she always did when they were alone, and her heart skipped a beat as she felt him squeeze her hand in return. He knew she was there, or he at least knew he wasn't alone. But she took it as a sign to continue, it may do him good to be able to focus on something, even if it was a faint weight on his fingers.

She had her head tilted so it was resting on her upper arm; her whole body slouched in a semi-recumbent position. And from this angle if she tried hard enough she could imagine them at home in their bed, Robert to the left of her, fast asleep. It reminded her of when he had first started sleeping in her bed overnight, she had spent many a mornings and nights gazing at him as he slept, studying him. Trying to memorise his every feature, the way his hair dishevelled as he slept, or the way his brows creased when he dreamed. And it was what she was doing now, of course she knew every feature, every crease, every line his face had. But she found as her eyes caressed his pale skin, the nights events had drawn their own lines. Lines of pain, and fear. And one by one she wanted to make them disappear, and she promised herself she would. All those years ago she had thought how lucky she was, to finally have his heart and his love. And now she felt luckily, but for a different reason; she felt lucky to have his life. To have him here.

Earlier in the night she had had to think about a life without him, but as she had waited in the hospital's room she realised that she couldn't. She couldn't even comprehend it, because he was everywhere, in everything. He was the reason she had remained in England, he was responsible for her beautiful home and without him she wouldn't have had their darling girls. When she had told him that they wouldn't let it be it, part of it was because she couldn't live without him. She didn't live under any illusion that she would be able to abandon society, she would live through her girls and her grandchildren, but a part of her would be missing, a part of she would never get back. If she lost him, she would lose herself.

She was nineteen when she came to England, a joyful, vibrant young girl who was ready for her new adventure in a foreign land. London had been enticing and intimidating at the same time, and she had welcomed every invitation that had been thrown her away, she had danced every dance she had been asked to and smiled at every man that had given her cause to. She had _played that part_ as her mother had told her to, whilst ignoring the constant quips of those around her; commenting on her voice, her clothes, her money. And just as they had begun to bring her down she had met _him_. Handsome, fashionable, gentlemanly. He was perfect. Her 'Americanisms ' hadn't deterred him, but enticed him. They had danced, and she had felt right in his arms, at home. And the rest, as they say, was history. Every happy memory, for thirty-five years since was down to him. Her life was down to him. And the thought of being without him created a void in her heart.

They'd taken to reminiscing of the old days recently, of when they were still a young married couple, of when their girls were still little dears, running around the Downton halls. When they'd sneak into their parent's room at night, and take up the entire bed, leaving no room for her or Robert. Or when they would sneak around after dark, wondering and exploring. They often laughed about it now; the Earl and Countess of Grantham tip-toeing the halls, hand in hand, for no particular reason. They weren't especially significant memories, but they were some of her fondest. She loved talking about them now, with him. Before bed, during the night, in the morning. If she lost him, she would not only loose her husband, she would lose her confidant. She would lose the only person who knew her better than she knew herself. Who shared her most intimate memories, her most intimate thoughts. She couldn't imagine not being without him. She couldn't be without him. She would lose her past, her present, her future. She would lose every happy memory she could remember. She couldn't lose her love. Her hand held onto his tighter, bringing it to her chest, as if trying to give him her strength. "Please get through this my darling." She whispered. "I can't lose you."

"My lady?" Cora was startled by the familiar voice, as she thought she'd been alone, and turning she saw Baxter standing in the doorway, just as a tear rolled from her cheek- she didn't realise they had started falling.

"Baxter, what are you doing here?"

"I brought your ladyship some things I thought you may need." She said, gesturing to a small overnight bag in her arms.

"Oh, thank you." Turning to look back at her husband, for a second she'd forgot how pale he was and seeing him again brought a fresh batch of tears to her eyes. She heard Baxter move from the doorway, taking a few tentative steps inside the room, but she couldn't bring herself to look back at her again, her teary eyes now transfixed Robert. She heard a slight rustle of movement before she felt a soft warmth around her as Baxter placed a blanket around her shoulders. "Thank you Baxter." She sniffed, trying desperately to control her emotions, but she couldn't. She was exhausted, mentally and physically. "I'm sorry," Cora said, "I don't wish to embarrass you."

"You don't embarrass me, my lady." Baxter whispered, it pained her too see Cora so upset. Within the first few weeks and Downton she had seen the loving relationship between its Lord and Countess, and she couldn't bear to think of the pain Lady Grantham must be going through.

Cora just smiled; Baxter was the kindest of all her lady's maids. "Did you walk here all alone Baxter?" Cora asked, suddenly aware of the late night her maid had been out in, for her.

"Oh no, my lady. Mr. Moseley accompanied me."

"That was nice of him," Cora mused, "do thank him for his kindness. And you Baxter, thank you."

"I don't mean to sound impertinent my lady, but is his lordship going to be okay?" She felt somehow rude asking, intruding on her grief.

"I don't class it as impertinence." Cora smiled, somehow warmed by her kindness. "And the doctor seems to think so, it was lucky he was there." Please let him be right, she thought, he had to be right.

A moment of silence fell over the room. Baxter watched on as Cora pulled her husband's hand ever closer, kissing his hand and murmuring something inaudible. "Would you like help getting dressed my lady? I've brought you some fresh clothes." Baxter explained, noticing how Lady Grantham's hands were still red with blood, and her face still stained with tears.

"No thank you Baxter. I'll wait for the nurse to come in. But you get yourself home." When she heard Baxter hesitate, she continued, "I'll be alright."

Baxter wanted to disagree, but she couldn't bring herself to pull Cora away from her husband. Knowing that that was where she belonged. And she knew that Cora knew that too. "If you're sure my lady, goodnight." And with that, Cora was again left alone.

 **A/N** \- Happy Downton Day! So this is turning into a fic about Cora dealing with what happened to Robert, and the immediate aftermath. It was originally going to be only two chapters, but now who knows? May go a bit AU depending on tonight's episode. But thank you all for the reviews. They mean everything!


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